Falling Angel
by BigTimeRush-BTR
Summary: He hated the monster he had become. The reflection in the mirror made fun of him and taunted him. It dared him to do things he thought he would never do. And he, being completely broken inside, took those dares to hand and hurt himself beyond repair, not knowing if anyone would save him from the beast controlling him from the inside.
1. Chapter 1

**Well… I guess I don't have much to say, except that I'm going to continue writing this story, instead of Ajay. I hope you're all okay with that. I promise that this time I won't take it down, no matter how bad of a writer's block I get.**

******I would like to dedicate this story to someone who will probably never see it, and I might never meet him, but he has impacted my life in many ways. I am proud to call him my idol. I've learned a lot from him, whether he knows it or not. This story here is dedicated to the one and only Kendall Schmidt. A boy who has a heart of gold... Someone who I truly admire. :)**

**Here is the first chapter. Hope you all like it.**

**WARNING: Eating disorder, future suicidal thoughts, and self-harm. Read at your own risk.**

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"Do you ever think of, what you're standing at the brink of. Feel like giving up, but you just can't walk away..." ~ Invisible by Big Time Rush

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"Hello! Earth to Kendall! Earth to Kendall! Yo, Kendall, are you with us?"

Kendall seemed to slowly snap out of his thoughts and gain full control of his consciousness. He turned to look back at James, who was sitting beside him on the plane. He raised an eyebrow questioningly at the brunette and tried his best to look like he was alright, when he really felt like he was being eaten from the inside out. "What was that?" he asked, clearly confused.

"I was asking you if you wanted something to eat. I was just about to call the waitress over," James responded. Kendall bit down on his lip at the mention of food. His stomach growled with hunger, but he didn't want to eat. Eating meant gaining weight, and that was the last thing he wanted to gain.

"I… I'm not very hungry right now, James," he responded easily. Too easily for his own liking. He hated to lie, especially to one of his best friends, but he couldn't afford to let the truth slip from his pale lips. James would worry to no end over him. Logan would probably give him a long lecture about how not eating was unhealthy for you and other uninteresting facts he could care less about. And Carlos would probably freak out about the whole situation.

"Are you sure? They have some pretty good stuff for breakfast, like pancakes… Hey, look, they even have chocolate chip pancakes! I know you like those!" James shoved a folded menu packet in front of Kendall's face, making the blonde gasp in alarm.

The pancakes did look pretty good, and he hadn't eaten anything since they left for their trip back home from Canada.

"Uhh... I-I-I… Okay."

James grinned as he turned around in his seat to peek at the two shorter members of Big Time Rush behind them. "Hey guys, what are you two gonna have?" he asked curiously. Kendall could only hear his friends' mumbled replies as he once again got closed in on his thoughts. He could hear the taunting voices again, calling him ugly, waste of space, fat. He couldn't take it anymore!

Was he really as ugly as they said?

Was he really some waste of space no one wanted nor needed?

Was he really as overweight as they had said?

"Kendall! The pancakes are here!"

Kendall eyed the plate piled high with pancakes in front of him. He felt like puking right then and there at the sight. Did they really expect him to eat all those pancakes all by himself? He couldn't. Could he? Maybe he could. If he was as overweight as everyone claimed him to be, then he must have eaten a lot.

Maybe he could eat all those pancakes on his own…"Hey, little bro, eat up! We've got a long plane ride ahead of us. You gotta eat something."

Kendall faked a smile and nodded at James. With a trembling hand he grasped the plastic fork in between his long, skinny fingers and cut off a small piece of the delicate, spongy food, watching the syrup James had sprawled on top of them easily leak down and back on the plate.

Syrup was bad, wasn't it? Didn't syrup make you gain weight? Hadn't Logan once told him that after he had placed a large amount of syrup on his pancakes back at the Palm Woods?

"J-James, I'm not really hungry," Kendall said in a barely audible whisper, causing James to pause whatever he was doing with his plate of scrambled eggs.

"Come on, dude, you can't be serious!" the brunette exclaimed, earning the attention from Carlos and Logan. The two older boys looked over their seats, eyeing the two younger boys with interest.

"What's going on?" Logan asked James. The pretty boy whipped around and frowned at his smaller friend.

"He doesn't want to eat his pancakes," James said, pointing his fork at the young boy beside him. Kendall turned away from all the attention and fixed his eyes on his lap, feeling his cheeks burning because of all the attention he was suddenly receiving. He could feel all three pairs of eyes sinking into him as he sat there like the baby he was.

"Kendall, why don't you want to eat?" Logan asked with concern.

"I, umm… Uhh…"

"If fe doefn't waft to eaft them, can I eaft them?" Carlos asked with a mouthful of strawberry pancakes. He grinned at his blonde best friend, earning a glare from both brunettes.

"No, Carlos. Kendall is going to eat them. Right, Kendall?" Kendall felt his cheeks heat up once again. "At least try to eat a couple of them, Ken. I don't want you getting sick on us," Logan said quietly. He patted Kendall's shoulder and sat back down on his seat, pulling a now-drooling Carlos along with him.

"Come on, eat up, buddy." James smiled at his smaller friend as he continued eating his plate of scrambled eggs. Kendall only scrunched up his nose at the chocolaty aroma coming from the spongy breakfast. He had to eat something if he didn't want his best friends to be on his case 24/7. They already watched over him enough, he didn't need any more.

Kendall lifted his fork from the plate and brought it to his mouth, cringing as the chocolate chips melted in his mouth. He tried swallowing the whole piece of pancake but ended up coughing the piece back up, startling James. The older boy shrieked at his friend, trying not to stare at the piece of food that Kendall had practically just hacked up.

"Kendall, what the heck was that?"

"Uhhh… I choked," the younger boy responded truthfully. "My mouth's a little dry." Just like that he lied again, effortlessly. James rolled his eyes and called the waitress over and asked her for a glass of orange juice.

"Here you go, bro. Maybe this'll help," he said, handing Kendall the glass. Kendall thanked him and took a sip, only to bring the juice back up as well. The tip of his ears burned with embarrassment. He wiped his mouth with the back of his jacket sleeve and tried not to make eye contact with his older friend.

"Kendall, what in the world is going on? Are you sick, is that why you're not hungry? Do you need a doctor? Are you going to–"

"JAMES!" the boy hissed, clearly tired of all the questions. "I'm fine, just tired, that's all."

There it was. Third lie in less than thirty minutes.

"A-are you sure?"

"I'm sure. Now, can you get this food away from me? I just want to take a nap." James nodded in response to his best friend. He took the plate and glass from Kendall and handed it back to the waitress. Glad he no longer had the disgusting food in front of him, Kendall closed his eyes and tried to fall asleep, only to land in his daily cloud of nightmares. He was used to them after three weeks of torture, but they somehow still made him chill to the bone.

Ugly.

Waste of space.

Fat.

He was ugly. He was a waste of space. He was fat. There was no hiding it.

He wasn't a pretty boy like James. Girls didn't fall head over heels for him like they did with the pretty boy of Big Time Rush. He didn't have the looks or the same confidence his older friend possessed. He couldn't go up to a girl and ask her on a date just like that. He was shy and ugly. Girls hated shy and ugly. Girls wanted confident and pretty.

He was in no way like Carlos. The little Latino was the cutest thing in the world. Everyone wanted to be around Carlos because he brought some sort of joy to everyone he met. Carlos was a happy-go-lucky guy, filled with an innocence only he could go around with at the age of 17. Kendall wasn't as cute as Carlos. He wasn't some adorable ball of energy everyone wanted around. He was never wanted. He was a waste of space and boring.

He wasn't as skinny as Logan. He probably looked like a giant pumpkin when he was standing beside the older boy. And he certainly wasn't as smart as his genius best friend. Sure, he knew all he needed to know. He studied as hard as the tiny brunette, but he always somehow managed to fail all his tests. He wasn't skinny or smart. He was fat and stupid. He was disgusting.

Ugly.

Shy.

Waste of space.

Boring.

Fat.

Stupid.

Disgusting.

He fell asleep with a frown on his face. Just like that he had found four new flaws about himself. But despite the fact that those thoughts hurt, they also managed to bring him some sort of peace. If he was as disgusting as hewas told for so many years, then maybe no one would ever pay attention to him. Maybe flaws weren't so bad after all.

Maybe… Just maybe he could finally lose himself and no one would notice.

But maybe all those words were lies. Maybe he was hurting himself over nothing.

But then again, _maybe_ not.

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**Did you guys like it so far? Give me your thoughts, and a bag of gummy bears will be shipped to your home instantly! Lol. Thanks for reading! :D**

**~ BigTimeRush-BTR :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey guys. :) Here's chapter 2 of **_**Falling Angel**_**. Hope you all like it! :D**

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"I know you're tired and you're broke. And you're the punch line to a joke. You keep waiting for the end..." ~ Brand New Day by Katelyn Tarver

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_What a loser!_

_Have you taken a good look at his face? His nose sticks out BIG TIME!_

_He needs to lose a couple of pounds… or a ton of them._

_He should just die. What a waste of space! Kill yourself, Ken-dork!_

_He's so ugly. I would hate to be Jo Taylor. What does she see in him?_

Okay, that last one had hurt a lot. It was one thing to mess with him. But once they messed with Jo; that was crossing the line. He hated this. Everything was his fault. It was all his fault.

"Come on, Kendall, Gustavo and Kelly are waiting for us over there," Logan pointed forward where surely Gustavo and Kelly stood. James and Carlos stood beside them, grinning at the two girls that were passing by. Knowing them, they were just about ready to flirt with them.

Kendall nodded at his smaller friend. He slipped his cellphone into his front pants pocket and followed Logan to where the others stood, taking a seat on a bench nearby. His head pounded harshly against his skull and his stomach rumbled with hunger, but he was sure not going to listen to it.

"Come on, dog," Gustavo grumbled, eyeing the blonde boy with curiosity. Kendall looked up from his lap and turned to the Big Time Rush producer. Slowly, he stood up on wobbly legs and followed everyone to where the BTR limousine was waiting for them. Everyone but Kendall piled inside, leaving him standing outside. The blonde seemed unfocused; his eyes on the sky above.

"Umm, Kendall, aren't you going to get in?" James asked worriedly.

Hearing the brunette's voice, Kendall snapped out of his thoughts and hesitantly climbed inside, sitting down beside James. He tried his best to ignore the weird looks he received from his best friends and simply laid his head against the cool window, letting his weary eyes drift shut.

Kelly, who was sitting across from them along with Gustavo, nodded to the tired-looking teen, her eyes filling with concern for the youngest member of Big Time Rush. Carlos shrugged his shoulders, not really getting the message. Logan and James, however, turned to each other and frowned.

"He's been acting weird since we left Canada," James whispered loud enough for Kelly to hear, but keeping his voice quiet enough so that the blonde teen wouldn't hear him. "But you know Kendall. He's unusual. He's probably just in one of his moods."

Kelly hummed in response, letting her eyes once again wonder to the leader of the band. He didn't look sick. Deciding James was probably right, she turned her attention back to the magazine she held in her hand.

"Grumpy dog," Gustavo huffed. "He better not be sick. The last thing I need is for him to be sick and for Griffin to start yelling at me for it."

Logan rolled his eyes at this. "Gustavo, you do know that if he is sick, it would not be his fault, right? As for Griffin, he's always yelling at you, so what does it matter? Besides, he must be tired. Kendall would tell us if he was sick, wouldn't he?" The spiked-haired boy turned to Carlos and James for assurance.

"I think he would, wouldn't he?" Carlos asked innocently. Logan just sighed.

"Well… I guess, but… Kendall kind of tends to hide his feelings, both emotional and physical. I really don't know guys. I don't know…"

"But he's Kendall. Kendall is always honest about everything. I don't think he'd lie."

"True, Carlitos. I guess that makes sense," Logan mumbled. He was honestly getting worried over Kendall. It was unlike the younger boy to be so still and quiet. Usually, he would be cracking jokes and finding ways to make the others laugh. He wouldn't fall asleep in the middle of the day with his head leaning against a window. Logan knew that he got carsick. There was no way he could sleep while the limousine was moving.

Despite Carlos' words, Logan didn't hesitate to stretch his arm past James and lay it on Kendall's forehead. Surprisingly, he found it cool to the touch. He was probably just overreacting. Kendall was fine, right?

"Mmm, Logan?" Kendall stirred in his sleep, cracking his eyes open for just a second to take a peek at the brunette. "Waz goin' on?" he slurred.

Logan's breath caught in the back of his throat. He turned to James and then to Carlos, not knowing what to say.

"Nothing's going on, Kendall. Logan is just being a worry wart," James joked, but his cheerful face suddenly turned into a serious one. "Kendall, if something was wrong, you would tell us, right?"

"Yeah," Kendall said with a yawn. He closed his eyes once more and let the movements of the limousine rock him to sleep.

"I told you guys," James retorted in his other friends' direction. "Nothing's wrong with him." Logan nodded, doubt still clear in his eyes, and Carlos gave a shrug of his shoulders, believing the brunette's every word. "Relax, Loges," James said with a smile.

"Okay. Yeah, you're probably right. I'm overreacting is all." The brunette leaned against his seat and stared out the window. He was known for overreacting over every little sign of a problem after all. Kendall was fine.

"Kendall. Psst, wake up. Hey, come on, little bro, we're back at the Palm Woods."

Kendall groaned as he was suddenly shaken awake. His eyelids felt like they weighted a thousand pounds, and frankly, he had no intentions in joining the living. He smacked his lips together and turned over so that he was now facing a worried James. "I don't wanna get up," he croaked.

James sighed and ran his fingers through Kendall's blonde locks. "Come on, dude. We gotta get to the apartment."

Mumbling something James couldn't quite make out, Kendall grabbed his duffel bag from the floor and opened the door to the limousine. He then climbed out, his legs shaking from underneath him. The whole world seemed to spin out of control as he tried to monitor his balance.

"Whoa, Kenny!" James grabbed the smaller boy by his shoulders and steadied him. Carlos and Logan got out of the limo in a hurry and ran to the other two boys.

"What happened?" Logan asked with panic etched in his voice.

"I… I lost my footing," Kendall lied easily. "Sorry guys, it was an accident, but I'm okay."

James frowned. "If you say so."

Kendall nodded his response and forced his feet to move forward towards the Palm Woods hotel. Upon entering the lobby, he tried to avoid every gaze and got on the elevator along with the other three boys. The ride was silent and awkward, but he didn't really mind. His thoughts were somewhere else.

"Umm, so what do you guys want to eat?" Logan asked once they stepped out of the elevator. He fished around his pants pocket for the spare house key, seeing that Kendall was too deep in thought to grab his. He knew the door to Apartment 2J would be locked since Mrs. Knight and Katie would be away for a couple of weeks on a trip to Minnesota. He and Kendall were the only ones allowed to have a spare key because Mrs. Knight trusted them to not do anything stupid, such as swallowing it.

"Can we have corndogs?" Carlos asked excitedly, bouncing into the apartment as soon as the door was swung open. He flopped himself down on the couch in an upside down position so that his bottom half was on the couch and the top half was hanging from the edge. "Please, Logie?"

"Carlos, no! Corndogs aren't healthy."

"Can we have dinosaur chicken nuggets then?" James grinned from ear to ear. Logan just shook his head and turned to his blonde best friend. Kendall sat down beside Carlos and rested his chin on top of his hand.

"Kendall, what are you up for?"

Kendall looked up at the brunette, confusion in his emerald eyes. "What?"

"What do you want to eat for dinner?" Logan asked as he placed his duffel bag on the floor near the ones belonging to his three best friends.

"I'm not very hungry, Logan," Kendall responded, standing up from the couch. "I think I'm gonna head to bed… The plane ride kind of tired me. So, yeah, let Carlos and James choose."

Logan frowned. "But, Kendall, you haven't eaten any–"

"I'll eat later. Right now I just want to sleep," Kendall interrupted the smaller boy.

Without another word, Kendall walked into his shared bedroom and closed the door behind him. He didn't even bother to change into his pajamas but curled up under his covers, letting his head rest against his fluffy pillow. Tears of sadness welled up in his eyes.

Why him? What had he done to deserve so much hate? Why him and not one of the other boys?

Kendall wanted to smack himself in the face after thinking that. How could he wish this upon one of his older best friends? Truth be told, he wished this upon nobody. The emotional pain was unbearable. He wanted to just die right then and there. But he couldn't do that.

Maybe all he had to do was loose a couple of pounds and the hate would stop. Maybe if he did that everyone would accept him. Clearly they thought he was overweight. Less food meant less weight. The answer was right in front of him.

He just had to eat less, even if he wanted to eat. He had to stop.

Kendall smiled. That would solve all his problems.

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**Kenny's so wrong. :( Not eating will only hurt him… Too bad he doesn't know that. D:**

**What were your thoughts on this chapter? Like it? Hate it? I hope you didn't hate it. Lol. Thanks for reading!**

**~ BigTimeRush-BTR :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**I'm updating this at one in the morning because I have nothing better to do. I'm too excited to sleep… So yeah. Hope you guys like chapter 3 of this story. :)**

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"I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily. I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make…" ~ I Won't Give Up by Jason Mraz

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The pain in his abdomen was unbearable. Kendall thrashed and moaned as he struggled to get away from the nightmare that had him in a mighty grip.

"Hey look, it's that stupid dork!"

Kendall blinked back tears as he stared into the eyes of his best friend. Logan stood a few feet away, pointing a finger towards the whimpering boy. Carlos and James were on either side of him, snickering like hyenas. Their laughter echoed off the walls of the little room they seemed to be in.

They were making fun of him. His best friends were making fun of him!

"Logie?" he questioned, taking a step towards his best friends. The brunette grinned as he held up a hand, stopping the blonde in his tracks.

"Don't even dare. You might be contagious. We don't wanna catch your ugliness."

Kendall gasped, his eyes stinging. Those words were like a kick to the face. He would have never expected for someone as close to him as Logan to say something so cruel right in his face. It seemed like his friends were turning their backs on him as well. Now it wasn't just the fans.

"Why?" he questioned the smaller boy.

"Isn't it obvious?" The blonde shook his head. "You are a disgrace to the human race. You don't deserve to live. We want you dead, Kendall Donald Knight. We want you to die."

Kendall backed up against the wall behind him. He watched in horror as Logan's eyes, which were always so full of love and kindness toward him, turn a deep, bright, blood red color. Kendall wanted to scream bloody murder at the sight. Next were James and Carlos.

Before he knew it, Kendall was tackled to the ground by a transformed Logan. Instead of fingernails he had claws. Instead of teeth, he had yellow fangs. Fur coated most of his small body. He looked like one of those terrifying creatures that Kendall would make fun of in horror movies. His warm breath sent shivers down the younger boy's spine.

"P-please don't!"

The creature before him let out a howl that could only be described as the one of a hungry wolf. He held a long claw under Kendall's throat and sneered. "Too late, buddy. Say nighty night."

"Kendall, come on! Wake up, dude!" Logan held the whimpering boy in his arms as he struggled against his own nightmare. "Kenny, it's just a nightmare. Wake up! It's not real!"

"NOOOO!"

Kendall sat up in bed, sweat coating his flushed face. At the moment he saw Logan's face, he let out another scream. Logan was sure glad that Carlos and James were heavy sleepers, that way they wouldn't see what a mess Kendall was at the moment.

"Shh, it's okay. Calm down, Ken, it was just a nightmare."

Kendall felt his body being pressed against Logan's chest, the brunette's fingers running through his messy, sweaty hair. He instantly felt like a wimp. How could he –the leader of his little group of best friends– let someone cradle him in his arms like that? The last time something like that had happened was when his father had died. But that was eight years ago, when he was just eight.

"Let me go!" Kendall tried to squirm away from Logan's lap to no avail. It was no secret that when it came to strength, Logan had more power over Kendall. Actually, all three of the guys had more power over Kendall.

"No," Logan simply responded. He tilted Kendall's chin back with his thumb so that he had a clear view of his younger friend's face. He could clearly see the fear in those light green eyes he knew so well. Fear was an emotion that was rare in Kendall's eyes, but that didn't mean that he didn't know what it looked like. He knew when Kendall was afraid, just like now.

Kendall relaxed against Logan's smaller body, finally giving up on trying to escape. His breathing, which had been abnormally fast-paced, eventually slowed down, causing Logan to sigh in relief. It was scaring him how scared Kendall was and how quick his breathing became in such a small amount of time. He had actually feared the blonde would start to hyperventilate.

"What happened, Kenny?" Kendall simply blushed at the nickname, burying his face into Logan's warm chest. He shook his head and closed his eyes, seeking the comfort the brunette was providing. "It was a nightmare, wasn't it?" Kendall nodded.

"I… I don't wanna talk about it," Kendall whispered quietly. He knew that if he told Logan about his nightmare, he would be questioned. He would be forced to answer Logan's questions, and then Logan would know about the hate.

"Are you sure?" Logan tightened his grip on Kendall when he noticed that the boy was visibly shaking. Kendall nodded his head once again as he grasped a fistful of Logan's shirt in his bony fist. "Okay, if you're sure…"

"I'm sure." Kendall let a small smile graze his lips.

"Alright then…" Logan made a move to detach Kendall from him, but the blonde held on tight. "Umm… Kendall?"

"C-can you sleep here tonight?" Kendall asked his older friend, a blush creeping to his cheeks. He didn't like the way he was acting like such a baby, but he couldn't help it. He feared that if he let Logan go, he would have that nightmare again. He needed to know Logan loved him and wouldn't hurt him.

Logan's eyes grew wide at the request. "Of course, Kenny," he replied in a shaky voice. Kendall smiled at Logan's answer, feeling safer already. "Come on, lay down."

Kendall did as he was told, lying down on the edge of the bed and curling up into a little ball. Logan then laid down next to his little brother, wrapping an arm around his shoulders, but not before pulling Kendall's blanket over his quivering shoulders. Kendall smiled at this as he snuggled up close to Logan's body and nuzzled his face into the crook of Logan's neck.

"Thanks, Logie," Kendall mumbled, his eyelids growing heavy with sleep. Having the brunette close to him made him feel safe. However, the comments were still engraved in his fuzzy mind. For now, they were forgotten, but who knew for how long?

"You're welcome, Kenny." Logan smiled at the sleepy boy in his arms. "Try to get some rest, okay, buddy?"

There was no response from the younger boy, for he was already fast asleep.

"Nighty night, Kenny," the brunette whispered as he leaned forward and pressed a kiss to his baby brother's forehead. He couldn't help the worry eating him away. He could feel the fear radiating from Kendall's body. Something was definitely wrong with his younger friend, and he was in a journey to find out what that something was.

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***yawn* I'm sleepy, but I'm determined to pull off an all-nighter. Wish me luck? Lol. I'll probably crash before five in the morning. Haha. :D**

**Thanks for reading!**

**~ BigTimeRush-BTR :)**


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